The apocalypse is upon us and, thanks to Family Radio Worldwide, we can finally pin down a date on that all too elusive event. May 21, 2011!

There, now you know. Don’t bother analyzing why Family Radio Worldwide is gloating over beating the Mayan’s December 21, 2012 prediction to the apocalyptic punch.

And don’t waste your time pondering the countless other times in history when enough crazy people got together to announce the end of the world loud enough for the non-crazies to take notice—such as Haley’s Comet in 1910, Heaven’s Gate in 1997, Y2K in 2000, the re-election of George W. Bush in 2004, or any of the countless times Jehovah’s Witnesses have predicted the end of the world (1874, 1914, 1925, 1941, 1975…etc.).

You’ve got a little more than a month to get your life in order before it all comes to an end. I don’t know what you’re going to do, but, as for me, the only thing that makes sense is to create a Top 10 list of apocalypse-like events that did not lead to the end of the world, but sure as hell fooled me.

 

10) Buster Douglas (1990)

When James “Buster” Douglas knocked out the undefeated Mike Tyson in Tokyo, Japan, becoming the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion, I was convinced that the apocalypse was upon us.

However, eight months later, in his first and only title defense, Douglas lost his title to Evander Holyfield.

And the world kept on spinning.

 

9) Benedict Hogan (1994)

In 1993, Hulk Hogan effectively “retired” from the World Wrestling Federation (WWF), which was a day I had long dreaded.

It wasn’t until 1994, not long after testifying against Vince McMahon, the WWF Chairman, in a federal steroid trial, that Hogan went all Benedict Arnold on me and signed with rival World Championship Wrestling (WCW).

It was then that I knew, without question, that the end was nigh.

 

8) Chasing Amy (1997)

In 1997 I sat in a movie theater with a relatively packed audience watching Chasing Amy, the most recent example at the time of Kevin Smith’s inability to make a decent movie.

When the credits rolled, the audience began to cheer and applaud, making it clear that I was the only person in the theater who hated this movie. I was convinced the world was coming to an end.

Of course, the world did not end and, to prove it, Kevin Smith would go on to make seven more films—of which, I have watched none.

 

7) Dawson’s Creek: Season 3 (1999)

Following the end of Dawson’s Creek’s second season, Kevin Williamson, the creator and head writer, left to work on his burgeoning screenwriting career, leaving the show in good shape with a tension-filled sort-of-cliffhanger.

Then the third season began. From Jen becoming a cheerleader and the gay dude playing football to that terrible actor from Hediwg and the Angry Inch being featured in far too many episodes, I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that the apocalypse was upon us.

But, as it turned out, the world did not end and Dawson’s Creek went on to complete three more seasons—of which, I’ve seen every episode (at least twice).

 

6) Steve Nash MVP (2005)

In 2005, a small, white, Canadian dude named Steve Nash, in a league full of superior African America athletes, was named the MVP of the NBA.

Clearly, the world was coming to an end.

 

5) Steve Nash MVP (2006)

In 2006, just as I was getting comfortable with the thought that the world wasn't coming to an end, Steve Nash won his second consecutive MVP award.

Moments after it was announced, I stocked up on bottled water and duct tape.

 

4) No Inko’s (2007)

In 2007 I got my first Costco membership. It was a glorious day, made better when I discovered Inko’s White Tea in the beverage aisle.

But when, upon my second shopping trip to Costco, I found they had stopped carrying my drink of choice, I could think only of how unbearable the suffering would be when the fire fell from the sky, ending us all.

 

3) Hulk and Brooke (2008)

I had quietly reconciled with Hulk Hogan after he made a brief return to the WWE (formerly the WWF) and all seemed right with the world. Then, it turned out, he had, what appeared to be, a creepy relationship with his daughter, Brooke.

After seeing my childhood hero rubbing lotion on his daughter, I took my temporary blindness as a sign that the world had reached its expiration date.

 

2) Mo’Nique Wins Oscar (2010)

As one-named comedians go, Mo’Nique is arguably the least talented. And after she starred in Phat Girlz and Soul Plane, I was certain the market would bear this out.

But, in 2010, when Mo’Nique won the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role, it was clear that, after years of false alarms, the apocalypse I had long feared had finally come.

 

1) Hulk Hogan and "Brooke" (2010)

I had only just barely recovered from the sight of Hulk Hogan lotioning his daughter, convincing myself that I was reading far too much into it, when news hit that the Hulkster™ had remarried.

This was good news, since, clearly, Hogan didn’t have inappropriate feelings for his little girl. Then, of course, I saw Hogan’s new wife, who bares an uncomfortably close resemblance to Brooke Hogan.

It’s only been a few hours since I came out of my bunker to find that, not only did the world not end after Hogan's marriage to "Brooke," but my Internet was still connected. My relief was short lived, however, as Family Radio Worldwide so graciously informed us that the world would be ending in a few weeks.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I have to make preparations for another apocalypse. And when that prediction disappoints, I'll have to get right to work being terrified of the Mayan’s 2012 prediction.

And when that prediction doesn’t bear out, I can only hope and pray that there will be another end of the world prophecy to get me through the day.